Drink up Baby.

I need to get my eyebrows done. My face, with it's lines and contours, is losing shape within it's rigidity. Which, in itself, is a paradox.

It's lucky I can find relief in music.
I would die if I were deaf.

And you think that the world would have slowed down.

Something happens. Something huge.
Something that you see ripple between the social circles like its some form of idle gossip, and then casually disappear as if nothing had happened at all. The crowds disperse. The scattered conversation dies. Those who heard it in passing conversation, tip their hats and depart. The cameras turn to a new story. Ears tune to the sounds of a newly formed boy band and the world, ultimately, forgets.

For me, the crowds have not dispersed. The oceans haven't been swept underneath their skyline carpets. A group of tired eyed, pale faced boys met outside a classroom today. They brought grief with their news. They told it with their eyes, because their mouths had been ductaped shut.
It all made me feel rather ill.

And now I feel a sea sickness; people 'round these parts move too fast. They change, and judge, and assume, and never contemplate what it would be like to have it effect you. They're still discussing what boys they like, or how much homework they have to do on the weekend. They don't have their priorities straight.
The world should have slowed down.
The world should have paused.
The world should have stopped that day.
At least for a second.

To let me catch my breath or something.

I'm

Proud.
Tired.
Sore.
Contented.
Even possibly happy.

But mainly just proud. :)

A rap for my sweetheart :3

Dissa Dissa Dissa!
You know I miss ya!
Gonna keep rappin' coz I love you my sis (Ya!)
Where you been at? Oh I heard you were studyin'
So I thought I'd rhyme, tell you that you're my buddy n'
I can't wait till I see you next,
Gosh Girl, I need you, it's so hard to say it in text:
Oh I'm Talkin' bout all the hard times we've been through
You know it's true, Girl, I can't live without you.
So please, lady, jump on and skype me up
Skype me up OH a SKYPE ME UP!
Coz currently I can't tell you whats down from whassuuuuuup
I got my continents confused, are you in yours or mine?
Coz baby, whats mine is yours, I'm happy to share, its fine!
So I hope hope hope and pray that you passed your test
You know, them IELTs, I'm sure you did your best.
AND YOUR BEST IS THE GREATEST
GREATER THAN GREAT
And I'm sure you are told on that day that you graduate
"Oh Baby Lady, You Be So Pretty Smart
You Got Such A Big Heart,
No one knows how to stop it, or where to start
When tellin' others how amazin' you are
Girl You A STAR!"

--- thought you should have a rap. :)

A fully grown man who is scared of the dark.
A child cooking for seven.
A lady crouched on a street corner, wondering where she dropped her faith.
A drain full of dimes, and a wishing well full of nothing.
A sentence misunderstood.
A connotation not provocative enough to initiate action.
A dress thats too big for the recipiant.
A turntable that has nothing to do with turning the tables.
A southern american accent that doesn't drawl.
A pain in your side that you just can't place.
A walk taken by elderly couples. Some hold hands. Some don't.
A long flight with no intended destination.
A crane suspended via string.
A fight with only words.
A fight without words.
A fist fight.
A bar fight.
A fight.
A...

well. nothing really.

I Wish

That the motorbike circling my streets would just go home.
I'm tired. I'd like to sleep.

Also. Note.
We need to fix the plumbing.
The stuff next to my head squeaks in the night.

Today.

I realised the harshness of the lines on my face. I realised the darkness of the circles underneath my eyes. I realised how cold autumn feels this year. I realised how loudly the dead crunched beneath my feet on my walk to the village. I realised the comparrison of emotion between ages; and I realised that every girl my age walked past me with a boy latched to her arm like some kind of new and improved handbag. I realised that some people make me smile and some people make me cry. I realised that it's harder to hide from something, when you can't predict its movements, or its timing. I realised that I should never dye my hair black. I realised that older cars have more comfortable seating. I realised that my eyes begin to sting if you keep them open for too long in the cold air, yet there is no comfort in closing them. I realised the depth of the blackness when I shut my eyes tight. I realised the size of my bed. I realised how small it made me feel when I lay on my side. I realised that I'm not at all unnerved by sexism, but angered completely by racism and views against free sexual orientation. I realised my true height, weight, and skin colour. I realised that I wished I was different. I realised what I was not. I realised that I won't be able to paint away the scents that linger in my room. I realised that stripping the rooms carpet won't change who's walked in and out of its walls. I realised that for some reason, I'm drawn to do it anyway. I realised that its really easy to open this and write, and lose track of everything. I realised that goosebumps can forcefully claw their way up your arms, even if you do everything in your power to prevent them. I realised that today was a very very long day.

I realised that I need to stop thinking.
And I realised that I really realise too much.
Or possibly nothing at all.

Elle Fitzgerald.

Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most.

'Love seemed so sure around the new year. Now its April. Love is just a ghost.'
Random on my playlist. The lyrics first noticed in my jazz singing lesson today.

Here's a big old dose of

FUCK YOU JAZZ MUSIC. now I know why no one likes you.

And fade.

thought I'd note the day I prayed to God.
I don't know which God. I don't know whether they were listening.
Whether they were on lunch break.

I would love some sleep. It's 1.04 am.
But my mind is not so kind tonight. And I have a new mattress.
My bedroom seems completely foreign. I never thought previously that my clock ticked so loudly.

I miss the smell.
And the feel.
And the sound.

Sound is everything. Words are everything.
Presence is everything.

A Smile.

Today; I smiled.
At first, when you think of the action, it's not all that attractive. A furtive twitch of the lips, before they spread and bare teeth to the world. But this smile was a good one. A smile of relief. And a smile of acceptance. New events allow old events to pass out of the lime light. Time travels faster.

I have no regrets.
I've loved every moment.
I'll always love them. I'll keep them in my back pocket.
For a rainy day. Or a warm day. Or an inbetween day. Or a lonely day. Or a long day. Or a short day. Or a busy day; when I just need a damn break from everything and everyone in the room.

I had them out on my desk today. While I wasted the sunshine.
They kept me company, you know?

There is no point.

In hearing lists of good things about yourself. Or recieving compliments. Or smiles. Or kisses.

Because the only people that ever give them, or say those things, they are the ones that end up leaving you. At the end of the day, they are the only ones gone.

I'mma

BARE MY TEETH.
GET RID OF THIS SOUND.
SUCCEED.
AND BE SO FUCKING HAPPY.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO COME BACK.
AND I'LL HAVE EVERYTHING I'LL EVER NEED.

I need patience.
God. I need patience.
Maybe I'll just count every time I lose it.
That's a good idea.

there's nothing artistic about this blogging anymore. its only insight. its only therapy. i'm not gonna ask for help, because i'm proud. and scared.
so very very scared.

GIVE IT BACK. the other side of winter.

I've never screamed so loudly.
The rain has never fallen so quietly.
The wind has never shown such ferocity.
And the trees have never missed the winds beating quite as much.

The summer misses the beating of butterflies wings, so it hides itself under a winters coat. Becomes white with terror, hiding under blankets of snow, denying the truth with a chilly exterior.

And Autumn is an irony that I've never really wanted to face. A force fed change of mother nature, when all that lives with her desperately wants to cling to the warmth and life of the seasons preceedings.

Oh God I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I fucking hate it. World, you deserve your disasters, you deserve your global warming, and your hurricanes, and floods, and fires, and drought. But the people that live on you. The people that work tirelessly for you. The people that just want everything to work out. They don't deserve your change for dead in autumn. They don't deserve your lifeless winter, with its barren streets. I shouldn't have to compensate with the artificial warmth of a lit fire in my house, when you could just let the sun shine through and warm my face.
I hate how you work. I hate how you revolve and move and coexist with other systems. I hate your placement in the solar system. I hate you so much it makes me feel ill.

And I can't help but hate now.
I can't help but cry now.
I can't help it.
At all.

My heart wells, and is lodged in my throat.
I can't breath.
I can't see straight.

Why do I read your blog?

It seems I'm good at breaking my own heart.

How?

I used to remember a time where my vision was clear. Everything that I needed was within my grasp. A short distance walk. A bike ride out of town.
But it seems there is always room for change.




You think that you can pull all your seperate pieces of life together, and hope that it magically pans out the way that you planned. I stare at blankly tv screens, infiltrated by scenes of disaster, as if in my heart these images are invading my memory, misplacing fondness for tension. You reach out for bonds of family, and then realise. They're scattered.

Come back, ya?
Selamat malam.